i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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