I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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