My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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