Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
