Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
