D3 body, D1 cock
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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