Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
so much tequila, so little girl.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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