of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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