Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
