Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Randomize
