So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
