If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
