Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
