my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
