I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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