I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
