i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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