I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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