I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
