You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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