My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
