After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
