Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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