I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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