he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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