HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
