can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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