he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
