Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's never too late to be topless.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize