I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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