i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
