They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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