if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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