just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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