On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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