You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
