She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
