Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
