if i can run in heels then i can drive
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
