Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
