he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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