He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
