I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
