i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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