DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
