She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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