Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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