Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
