it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
