i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
