cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
