i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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