I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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