Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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