Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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