Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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