shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
