he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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