Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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